He carried out the same test almost every night for the next three weeks, always with the same result.Īfter searching Internet mental health forums for answers to his private impasse, Darren became convinced that he was suffering from 'HOCD': a not officially recognised form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder defined by the fear of being or becoming homosexual.Ī decade has passed since Darren's self-diagnosis and subsequent therapy, but 'HOCD' still remains a divisive subject within some sections of the psychological healthcare community.
Feeling equal measure victory and defeat, Darren switched off the monitor, laid flat on his bed and wrestled with his doubts for a few more hours before finally surrendering to sleep. He watched, expecting something significant to stir upstairs or down. It felt like everything I thought I knew about myself was falling apart. 'I just woke up one day and I was suddenly obsessed with it. It was around 3am, in the summer of 2007, and relentless fears of homosexuality had tormented him since the start of the year. He plugged in his headphones, clicked on an X-rated video and took a deep breath.
'I had a girlfriend, and only ever had sexual feelings for women, but I just couldn't shake the idea that I was somehow lying to myself.'
Hunched nude in the glow of his iMac, 17-year-old Darren* typed the words 'gay porn' into Google for the first time.
